The Wonderful World of Crack BKO Pairings
by LittleLinor
Summary: A collection of BKO one-shots about crack or not so crack pairings. Spoiler-heavy. Fic two: Metabolism, or Why Volumes Are Important.
1. Take one: Of correct use of machina

Author's note.

I am posting this because the small BK/BKO fanbase on DeviantArt have been encouraging me (and in some cases pestering me) to.

These are crack fics. Some of the pairings are REALLY crack, and in some cases, they're not, but the way they're written still is.

HOWEVER. I'm still aiming to keep things mostly In character.

Please remember that these fics were written for the sole purpose of the challenge and the humour, and please do not take offense at the pairings. Some are... really crazy XD

Also there are MAJOR BKO spoilers. Do NOT read if you haven't finished the game. The third chapter is probably the only one that's not spoilery to the last dungeon (when i'll finish it , that is)

So, without further ado...

Welcome to the world of BKO CRACK

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"I didn't know that kind of machina existed…"

Verus smirked and resumed trying to understand how the green haired malideiter's red skirt came undone. _Probably Gena who designed it to stop people with bad intentions… she's learned a lot since I knew her…_

"There's machina for _everything_. As it is, I believe in keeping captives safely held, instead of putting them in random cells in the sewers like Olgan did. I mean, any person could run across them and open them, as you did… So _these_ you will not open so easily."

Sagi swallowed, stopping his futile efforts to open the machina-enhanced handcuffs that held him down. Apparently they could hold the bearer in any position, and he was not curious to see what positions his captor had in mind.

Well, not _too_ curious.

Meanwhile, Verus let out a loud and eureka-ish 'Aha!' and unfolded the many petals of the red skirt. Sagi swallowed once more. Wearing less than four layers of clothes made him uncomfortable.

He coughed a bit to ease his discomfort.

"So… Why are you taking this off? I don't think it'll really stop you if you try to kick me to death…"

The smirk above him stopped him.

"Why, but why do you believe I plan to kick you to death? I only harbour the best intentions towards you…"

And now Sagi _had_ to wonder how his plan to infiltrate Verus's mansion before taking on Baelheit to discover why his mother had a portrait of him under her pillow had ended in him lying on a pink bed whose design he didn't even know existed, tied down by prototype machina handcuffs and now half (well, 1/8) naked.

"So… why don't you let me go? So I can go stop Baelheit and stuff?"

"Forget about Baelheit." Hissed into his neck. Now _this_ was something he had never felt before.

"B… b… but…"

"Let Milliarde and Guillo take care of him. That is, if they're not too busy right now", he added with a smirk.

And it must be taken as a proof of how impossibly innocent Sagi is that he could not for the life of him understand why his friends could be busy. Though they had let him go rather easily when he told them he "had something to check". Apparently Vega's magna-mixed cocktails were good. And since Milly had discovered that Guillo would kill for mountain apple wine, she had been very eager to give him as much as she could.

The sound of his shirt being opened brought him back to reality.

"C… could you drop it? I mean, this outfit takes hours to put on."

Verus dropped the shirt on the ground.

_Well that's not really what I meant…_

Noting that 1/8 had turned into 7/11, Sagi started to wonder what Verus's intentions were. He obviously didn't want to let him go, so maybe Baelheit was just a decoy to keep him occupied earlier… He apparently didn't want to kill him either, though that was the first thing he'd thought when he'd heard 'welcome 3' and felt the handcuffs being closed around his wrists.

"Erm… V… Verus, Sir", he asked, remembering his good manners." What are you doing?"

"I just thought I should do your education. It would be such a pity for you to risk your life without knowing about life. It's my role after all."

Sagi thought about that for a few seconds. He'd never gone to school, since his mother was poor and needed him to help at the orphanage. His fighting was self-taught, and though he made friends easily, he didn't know anything about life in the world, or such things. He thought back to Milly, and how jealous he had been that she had been to the best school, and known the powerful people.

Well Verus was powerful, wasn't he? He'd be damned if he let Milly stay ahead of him in everything.

"Oh."

A pause.

"Ok then."

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Thanks for reading, and please review. 


	2. Take two: Metabolism

Thanks for the reviews D I'd never thought I'd get so many so soon...

I was planning to post this when I posted the first one, but the site hates me...

BEWARE, this one is even more spoilery than the last one. But the pairing is less disturbing XD at least to me. It's also my OTP for this game ;) so expect more of it from me.

... Don't think I have anything else of interest to say XD

Apart from the fact that you can suggest pairings. I might or might not do them, but I apreciate the ideas ;)

Oh, I forgot to do a disclaimer last time. I do NOT own BKO.

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Milly had always wondered what a drunk Paramachina would look like. Well now she had her answer. It looked liked a normal one. Which was not good considering the three bottles she had downed trying to get Guillo drunk were starting to remind her they weren't downed with impunity.

_**Now** I see the drawbacks of having half of your body made of machina. You have half as much blood to dilute the alcohol in. _And considering that, her resilience was impressive, a deed worthy of being remembered in song. Probably along with those she had learned in the barracks of the dark service when she had snuck in as a child.

"What's wrong Milliarde?"

Milly forced herself to get a grip on her rather traitorous senses, and to look at Guillo in the eyes. Well, holes. This fight definitely wasn't even, with apparently uneffective alcohol, and the absence of eyes to read. All her spy training she had harassed her father for couldn't even pay off.

"Nothing. It's nothing. I was just thinking that that last mix wasn't as good as the previous one… Maybe we should add a celestial flower bud to it before mixing…"

"Milliarde?"

"… yes?"

"Why is your face red?"

She looked at him blankly for a few seconds. Could the thing really be that clueless? But then she remembered. Guillo had lived with Sagi for as long as he (it?) could remember.

Well_that_ explained a lot.

"_That_ is the natural shade of a well preserved white face once it's graced by the sun. It shows both that I'm an imperial delicate noble girl, and that I've been running around the sky with you guys for far too long."

"Then why was it white when we came in?"

"That's because it's delayed action."

"Oh."

A pause.

"I see."

Another pause.

"Well it's not like YOU show any signs of having been around. With metal skin and such."

"… it seems so…"

She cracked.

"For Wiseman's sake, can't you just _react_ for once? This is like the Holoholo jungle all over again, I don't know why I'm even bothering with you!"

Guillo looked at her, tactfully ignoring the now very unladylikely crimson that had invaded what was left of her face to conquer.

"Because you have no one else to bother?"

She snorted.

"Dingbat."

"Wench."

It wasn't even an insult any more, more of an acknowledgement.

Silence floated around for a few moments while the other people in the bar were singing bawdy songs from different countries, trying to make up for their lost wings. Or to show which island was the most macho, one couldn't really tell.

"Tell me Guillo…"

"… yes?"

"Do you even have a mouth? I mean, you drink and stuff, but you obviously don't need to. Aren't you a puppet?"

"Because I was created by those midget magicians doesn't mean I can't appreciate what pleasure there is in life. Besides, wine is such a classy thing to drink. But why the question, Milliarde?"

_Think clearly think clearly, THINK CLEARLY, are you the emperor's daughter or what?_

"_Can_ you appreciate the pleasure in life? You don't seem that eager to."

"I think so. Why, am I missing something, Milliarde?"

_Stay put, you're an imperial lady, stay put, OH THE HELL WITH IT!_

No matter how complicated one would think it is, the headscarf actually takes a second and a half to take of. And for someone whose half a body had metabolised three bottles of alcohol it's quite a feat.

It also turns out that Milly still doesn't know if what Guillo has is really a mouth, cause she's too busy working at it that she didn't take the time to look.

_Shit. I'm drunk. And now I think about it, I've suddenly turned bi too._

"Oh. I _was_ missing something."

"Of course you were. You're the dingbat."

"And is that bad?"

"No! I mean, yes! Er…"

Time to change the subject.

"Is that even a mouth?"

"You didn't seem to care a few seconds ago."

She pondered that for a second.

"That's true."

And she resumed kissing.

_I don't even want to wonder if there's a need for safe sex or not._

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Thanks for reading and please review 


	3. Take 3: Hair

So here comes the long (? ) awaited chapter 3 of the BKO crack pairings. WTH squared is STILL half-done, and i'm a bit stuck at it. I need to replay the game ...

For those who are interested, the previous pairings now have names.

Verus/Sagi is 8/11ship (for obvious, fic-related reasons), and Milly/Guillo is Metalship , for obvious reasons if you've finished the game.

THis fic, or rather ficlet, shall focus on... Queueship. Just DON'T ASK where the name comes from. Or do if you're brave. After all you've already read chapter 1 if you reached here, and that was pretty bad already.

Originally written on LJ as a bonus ficlet to the Stalking chapter of Glimpse of Stars.

Warnings: er, none. You really have to squint to see a pairing here. Spoilers, ovbiously.

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**Hair**

Being Lord Baelheit's aide wasn't as easy as most people would believe it to be.

First, the pay wasn't that much, considering the amount of work needed.

Second, you could say bye bye to your social (and sometimes family) life, since the man was a workaholic.

Third, the undercover work could get tiring. Especially when you were already undercover yourself.

But there was one large advantage to the post.

You were the only person to ever see the scientist with bed (or rather, desk) hair.

Shanath learnt rather early not to mention this kind of thing, though. After all, he did like this job. It was only a slight drawback that his boss didn't take kindly to being told he was good-looking with his hair unbrushed.

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Still alive? Thanks for reading and please review.


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